PT: 3 - Where Do I Go From Here?

 So the big question I always ask myself after all this time has passed is “where do I go from here?” I’ve played live since 1992, wrote and recorded music, had highs and lows, played too many genres to even count… so now what? Well I always go back in forth in my mind whether or not I want to play live again, or start a band again. There’s times I think “well it could be fun”, but then on the other hand I think “ugh, do I really wanna deal with the stress of booking gigs, dealing with bookers, the venues, hustling to get people there to see us, and actually finding the right guys to play with? Sounds stressful right? Well, it is! A couple months ago I was thinking about it all, and was all for it until the thought of walking into a venue. I’ve done it hundreds of times, but the thought of it now was so unappealing. You walk in, you see that there’s not a lot of people there if any, the smell of alcohol, you see the stage, you walk on to it, then speak to the sound guy who acts as if he’s doing you the biggest favor in the world for providing you sound. I’ve come across a couple really nice sound guys, but most of them are dicks. Then you start the show and this I remember from experience. There’s always one guy in every song who screws up some part and finally the song ends and we all kinda look at each other and do the nervous laugh like “we made it through it”. 🤦🏼‍♂️🤦🏼‍♂️🤦🏼‍♂️. I’ve seen live streams over the past year of local bands doing the same thing. As much as it’s nice to know it happens to others, it’s something to me that just brings up bad feelings. It’s unappealing to me. So after all that I think why in the world would I want to even go back to that! It’s like going back into a relationship with an ex girlfriend who didn’t quite like you, made you feel really self conscious, and never really knew day to day of you were gonna be broken up with. Not a good feeling at all. But… something keeps pulling you back in. 

Same can be said for writing and recording. In part 2, I said I haven’t written or recorded in almost 18 months. Which is true. That doesn’t mean I haven’t come up with song ideas, chord progressions, and vocal melodies. Because I have. I have a ton of them recorded on my phone. I just haven’t had the desire to chase the songs, or see what I can pull from. Then I think ok, what if I write one and record it. Then what? Most likely I’ll post it to Facebook, and YouTube, probably get a few people to listen to it and then it’ll live on my hard drive. Wow, sounds exciting right! But then I ask, shouldn’t the fact that I’ve written something be enough for me? Of course not! I want the instant gratification of people liking it and listening. Then I want to play it live! That’s the battle of any songwriter/musician. It’s a battle that is constantly in my head and my heart. I think about it all the time. 

I still have dreams and goals when it comes to all this. I’m still chasing the perfect song, the perfect gig. It’s what keeps us all going. At this point I would be totally content playing a set at a blues club. Playing originals and a couple covers. To me at this point that sounds like fun. It’s from the heart. Those venues people show up to have a good time. I’ve played BB Kings Blues Club multiple times back in LA, and those were some of our best shows. They had a built in audience, which is so rare for venues apparently. The crowd loved us, and stopped me afterwards to make a point to tell me how much they enjoyed us. It was so rewarding. It’s what we all strive for. This happened literally every time we played there. 

So where do I go from here? I have no clue. Will I play live again? I don’t know. Will I write and record again? Probably… at least after I’m brave enough to let lyrics flow. That’s a whole other issue. Will I start a band again? Not sure. As of right now it’s all in the air. My feelings on the matter are all over the place. It shouldn’t be that big of a deal, because it’s supposed to be first and foremost about having fun. As a musician and songwriter I gotta get it out of me. I think it’s been built up and bottled up now for so long that I don’t know how to release it anymore. At least that’s what it feels like. Only time will tell what happens and where it goes…